History repeating itself

It seems that no matter what i do, i end up loosing my friends, if it's for a girl or for something i did, or if they die, it doesn't matter at all... History just keeps on repeating itself again and again and again... Yeah well, maybe this is the way it should be, we will walk on the same road, or we may meet again and we will pretend that we are total strangers... Fine by me... But there are so few for whom i open myself in the real way and those people it seems i keep loosing... Fine, i won't open myself to anybody anymore again... Not in the way i did... I still don't know what i did... That's for one side that doesn't want to talk to me and for the other i don't know what i should have done... It might be something i said, or something i did, but i didn't meant it to sound like that or end up the way it did... And there i thought to myself that i found someone who i can finally trust but?... I was wrong it seems... Well, whatever i did, i'm sorry... I didn't want it to end this way. But it doesn't matter anymore, cuz in the end, nothing else matters....

Trip (fictiune)

E tarziu, trecut de 11 noaptea. Astept autobuzu spre casa. Nu mai am muzica pentru ca nu mai am casti de ceva timp, dar in capul meu rasuna fel de fel de versuri de la fel de fel de melodii. Se vede un autobuz venind din departare. Ajunge mai aproape si vad ca nu e bun, mai am de asteptat. Se deschid usile si in momentul urmator coboara un tip pe la ultima usa. Deodata tot timpul parca incetineste si deodata se aude o voce patrunzatoare. "Nu la asta ai visat?" Ma uit speriat in jur si incerc sa imi dau seama ce se intampla, apoi iar vocea: "nu asta ti-ai dorit?". Totul in jur se misca parca cu incetinitorul, numai eu paream sa ma misc normal. Deodata totul se intuneca. Clipesc iar cum deschid ochii ma trezesc pe un camp inverzit cu o iarba inalta pana la soldul meu. Simt pe cineva in spatele meu si cand ma uit in jos observ ca sunt imbracat total diferit. Aveam pe mine o pelerina neagra cu gluga pusa pe cap. "Unde sunt?" murmur eu usor. Apoi aud iar acea voce numai ca de data asta parca zicea totul in soapta: "Asta ti-ai dorit sa ai, sau cel putin asta iti doreai, asta visai, asta imi spuneai tu ca vezi in viitorul nostru. Nu iti mai doresti asta?". "Dar eu..." si in secunda urmatoare totul revine la normal, usile autobuzului se inchid si pleaca din statie. Raman singur uitandu-ma in jur. "Asta imi doream?" imi zic in minte uitandu-ma spre stele. Peste cateva minute imi vine autobuzul, ma urc in el si pornesc spre casa.

Song titles

I'm so tired that “I walk alone” I want "more than that". I want a girl with “lips like morphine” that can redefine the “shape of my heart”. I’m tired of “living in the shadows” of my past and I want a “good girl” that can be there for me “any giving day”. I don’t just want the “next big thing” in my life, I want to feel like “nothing else matters”. I want to feel like I found my “nymphetamine”. I want someone who will put “roses on my grave”. I want my “star girl” not another “demonology and a heartache”. I want to “blow” all the pain and sorrow from my “metal heart”. I’m fighting this with “white knuckles” and I’m “tired of being alone”… So as a the “fallen angels” that I’ve seen, I have this “pain redefined” in my heart… So this is my “anthem of the underdog” that I hope can “kick start my heart”

<*> every word that is in "" is a song title <*>

A new chapter

I'm beginning a new chapter in my life. As I turn the page I wanna burn all the bridges that connect me to my past and destroy everything I have in my life so i can start again new. I don't want no friends, i don't want no lovers and i don't want no pity, i'll do everything my way, alone as I always was and without any help. Everyone i trusted either passed away or betrayed my trust or they discarded me like I was a piece of shit or something they didn't need anymore. I'm sick and tired of people like this, so I send a nice FUCK YOU your way. New page, no... It's not a new page, it's a new book. I'm gonna change my ways. No more mister nice guy from now on bitches...

Yes... This is what i dreamed about but it's not what i want...

I can't stop listening to a song... It has just a few lyrics but... It makes me start thinking... At the end of the song, there's a question asked... "Isn't this what you dreamed about?" I started thinking when i first heard it... I started thinking... Yes, this is what i dreamed about... I have some fame... I have some fans... I have a little future there... I can have almost any girl... But i can't find a girl that is worthy... I can't find a girl that i feel happy with... I'm addicted to romance... Giving presents... Flowers... Even if they are insignificant... This is what makes me truly happy... This is what makes me feel like i'm alive... Putting a smile on someones face... Not the fame... Not the popularity... I never truly wanted these things anyway... It was just something that i thought i needed... But it turned out wrong... In every way... Now i have everything i wanted... But i don't have anything that i need... I feel like I've betrayed myself and everything i was... I need to change back to who i was... Cuz who I've been hates who i am... And who I am now... Well... That's another story...

What if?...

I would just die to find someone worthy to give a rose to... Is that a bad thing ? Is it a bad thing to want to put a smile on someone's face ? Is it a bad thing to love someone ? I'm sick of making people cry and to see only suffering beside me... Sometimes i just want to put an end to it all... Or to put an end to myself... Is that a bad thing ? I know it's bad not having someone to be there for you... And in times like this i feel like I've lost everything i ever knew... I'm a junkie for romantic shit... And i guess i'm a junkie for being romantic with someone... But, when no one's there ?... When you feel alone ?... What's left to do then ?... I've wasted all my energy in something i believed in, that i feel like I've got nothing left to give... Is it bad fighting for something you want to do ? Giving up everything else ? I feel like I've reached the end of my line... Is it true ? Is anything else for me ?...

In club (trip)

M-am chinuit cateva minute sa ajung pana la bar sa imi mai iau ceva de baut pentru ca simteam ca mor de sete. Am ramas singur intr-un final, era ora 4:35 dimineata si eu simteam o nevoie disperata dupa o bere rece. Intr-un final dupa ce ma observa barmanu imi da berea si eu ma asez pe un scaun inalt si imi aprind o tigare. Muzica facea tot barul sa vibreze, oamenii dansau in jurul meu dar eu imi vedeam linistit de bere si nici ca vroiam sa fac altceva in momentul ala. 3 tipe incep si danseaza in stanga mea, toti barbatii din club se uita la ele si incearca sa le agate, dar fara succes, ele refuzand pe oricine. Ajung prin dansul lor undeva in fata mea pe cealalta parte a barului. Miscarile lascive atrageau privirile tuturor. Muzica devenea din ce in ce mai ritmata si la fel si ele. Deodata totul in jurul meu parca incetineste. Totul in jurul meu parca incepe si se deformeaza, fetele devin hidoase, totul se misca atat de incet si parca insasi muzica suna acum ca o incantatie proasta. Oamenii incep sa aibe chip de drac, culorile se intrepatrund, luminile parca se materializeaza si te lovesc ca o bata de lemn. Totul este un haos total pe care nu il mai pot intelege, dar eu stau in continuare pe scaun si imi beau linistit berea. Nu ma mai impresioneaza astfel de momente din viata mea. Sticla din mana imi explodeaza si imprastie bere si cioburi peste tot. Simt o intepatura groaznica in zona sternului. Pun mana si constat ca sunt plin de sange. Cum? Nu e posibil! deodata trece cineva prin spatele meu si ma loveste din greseala. Totul era normal. Ma controlez pe piept si nu aveam nimic. Mai iau o gura de bere si ma ridic de pe scaun ducandu-ma in alta parte a clubului. Noaptea asta inca nu a inceput calumea!